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(Disclaimer: Please do not take offence- Have a sense of humor)

Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say if He Came Back Today

Lisa Marie Presley Laughs at Elvis Top Ten10. I've been dead 20 years, and I still look better than Keith Richards

9. What do you know? The Jets still suck


8. I'm hungry -- is there are any food stuck in my sideburns?

7. I can't believe I missed the McRib Sandwich!

6. Who's this 'Richard Simmons,' and why's he keep trying to hug me?

5. I've been dead 20 years, you moron -- of course I want fries with that!

4. Heaven was great until that freaky bastard Tiny Tim showed up

3. That Letterman punk's on the TV -- where's my revolver?

2. I haven't been dead -- I've been starring in a series on CBS

1. Lisa Marie married who?

Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say if He Came Back Today

10. Maybe I should get me one of them Wonderbras

9. Sonny, Red, help me brush the dirt out of my sideburns

8. This new President and I disagree on a lot of things, but french fries ain't one of them

7. Is there something I just don't get about Pauly Shore?

6. What happened to Ed Sullivan, and who's that dork using his theater?

5. Can I get that Miata in pink?

4. What's my old smokin' buddy Suzie Molinari doin' these days?

3. All you people who thought I was alive this whole time -- you morons!

Lisa Marie - Michael Jackson Kiss2. I'd heard Lisa Marie married Michael Jackson, but this guy in the wedding photos is white

1. Bob Dole? Didn't I meet him back when I was dead?

Top Ten Things Overheard at Graceland on Elvis' 60th Birthday

10. It's incredible -- he's actually gained weight since he died!

9. Did that recipe call for eight or nine cups of lard?

8. I'm sorry, Mr. Jackson, the monkey will have to wait outside the gate.

7. I hear Elvis' ghost just signed an endorsement deal with Zima.

6. Put that gun away -- this ain't the White House.

5. Amazing! His bedroom still smells like peanut butter!

4. My name is Mario Cuomo, and I'll be your Graceland tour guide.

3. It could've been worse. She could have married Tito.

2. If Elvis were alive, he'd be perfect for playing 'Would you like to eat that in here?'

1. I'm not an Elvis impersonator, dammit -- I'm Roseanne!

Top Ten Features Of The New Elvis Theme Resort

10. Each room has a combination jacuzzi/deep fryer

9. Diners get to vote between the "young" lasagna and the "old" lasagna

8. Mirrors that make you look bloated and sweaty

7. Free cholesterol screenings

6. Every hundredth customer wins an all-expenses paid short-lived marriage to Lisa Marie Presley

5. Complimentary sideburns left on your pillow

4. Saturday clambakes hosted by guy who played "Paul the bartender" in the Elvis movie "Clambake"

3. The opportunity to take part in the worst financial scheme since Enron

2. 24-hour pharmacy, no prescriptions needed

1. Two words: sequined soap

Elvis Presley Top Ten

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