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David
Letterman Elvis Top Ten -
David Letterman Top Ten
(Disclaimer: Please do not take
offence- Have a sense of humor)
Top Ten
Things Elvis Would Say if He Came Back Today
 10.
I've been dead 20 years, and I still look better than
Keith Richards
9. What do you know? The Jets still suck
8. I'm hungry -- is there are any food stuck in my
sideburns?
7. I can't believe I missed the McRib Sandwich!
6. Who's this 'Richard Simmons,' and why's he keep trying
to hug me?
5. I've been dead 20 years, you moron -- of course I want
fries with that!
4. Heaven was great until that freaky bastard Tiny Tim
showed up
3. That Letterman punk's on the TV -- where's my revolver?
2. I haven't been dead -- I've been starring in a series
on CBS
1. Lisa Marie married who?
Top Ten
Things Elvis Would Say if He Came Back Today
10. Maybe I should get me one of them Wonderbras
9. Sonny, Red, help me brush the dirt out of my sideburns
8. This new President and I disagree on a lot of things,
but french fries ain't one of them
7. Is there something I just don't get about Pauly Shore?
6. What happened to Ed Sullivan, and who's that dork using
his theater?
5. Can I get that Miata in pink?
4. What's my old smokin' buddy Suzie Molinari doin' these
days?
3. All you people who thought I was alive this whole time
-- you morons!
 2.
I'd heard Lisa Marie married Michael Jackson, but this guy
in the wedding photos is white
1. Bob Dole? Didn't I meet him back when I was dead?
Top Ten Things Overheard at
Graceland on Elvis' 60th Birthday
10. It's incredible -- he's actually gained weight since
he died!
9. Did that recipe call for eight or nine cups of lard?
8. I'm sorry, Mr. Jackson, the monkey will have to wait
outside the gate.
7. I hear Elvis' ghost just signed an endorsement deal
with Zima.
6. Put that gun away -- this ain't the White House.
5. Amazing! His bedroom still smells like peanut butter!
4. My name is Mario Cuomo, and I'll be your Graceland tour
guide.
3. It could've been worse. She could have married Tito.
2. If Elvis were alive, he'd be perfect for playing 'Would
you like to eat that in here?'
1. I'm not an Elvis impersonator, dammit -- I'm Roseanne!
Top Ten Features
Of The New Elvis Theme Resort
10. Each room has a combination
jacuzzi/deep fryer
9. Diners get to vote between the "young" lasagna and the
"old" lasagna
8. Mirrors that make you look bloated and sweaty
7. Free cholesterol screenings
6. Every hundredth customer wins an all-expenses paid
short-lived marriage to Lisa Marie Presley
5. Complimentary sideburns left on your pillow
4. Saturday clambakes hosted by guy who played "Paul the
bartender" in the Elvis movie "Clambake"
3. The opportunity to take part in the worst financial
scheme since Enron
2. 24-hour pharmacy, no prescriptions needed
1. Two words: sequined soap
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